I Love Them, I Love Them Not, I Love Them

Hey there! I know it has been a while. Apologies. It is getting really hard to do extra stuff since I find myself nursing around the clock lately, plus taking care of every day stuff. Finding time to write is hard. But here I am at 12:30 in the morning hoping to get rid of some pent up frustration.

Today my 14 year old told me he doesn't think I love him and his siblings. A lot of stuff happened earlier that is too much to go into, but I made a comment about how I love him and his siblings so much and asked him if he knew that. He said he didn't know. I asked again, hoping maybe I wasn't clear the first time. Yet, he said he didn't know again. I didn't know what to say after that. Luckily, the baby started crying, so I told him to clean the restroom and walked out to get the baby.

I guess I should be grateful he didn't tell me he hates me. That is what I did to my parents time and time again as a teenager. But, still, it hurt almost the same. I have raised him for 14 years, void of any extra effort, other than the required, from his dad. Yet, I am still the bad guy, as is my husband.

At times like this I try to remind myself that he knows who is really there for him and he will express his gratitude later, but I want it now. I am S.O.L., though. I know from experience. And, in situations like these, I am reminded of my mother.

My mother and I did not have the best relationship while I was growing up, but she was the one who was there. She was there through the excitement and the many times in the hospital, the gross stuff and the pretty. Don't misinterpret, I love my dad. We are good now. He was there every other weekend and on holidays and in the summer, but even then, he was absent in the real parenting. I give him credit for my faith, and my mom...she taught me how to be a mom, more specific, a parent.

She bended over backwards. She took me to where she worked so I could write my papers. She stayed up late with me finishing projects. She took me to every doctor appointment, and stayed in the hospital with me. She worried when another test had to be done or another i.v. put in for the 5th time after the other failures. She always had money for yearbooks and tennis rackets, violins and strings, hairspray and make-up. My school work came first, the housework second. If she and I had somewhere to be on the same day at the same time, my activity took precedent. Braces were paid for and a hair appointments never delayed or missed. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.

From her I took the lead, and have done the best I can for my son. At least I think so. Being a parent is tough. As cliche as this is, kids do not come with instructions. Many times I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, but I am trying. I don't know if I will ever get this parenting thing down to a science, even with five kids. But, they should know I love them, right?

As much as I am doubting myself right now, I know they know I love them. They have to. Otherwise, I have failed. All I can do now is keep up with being mom and do all I can to insure their success and happiness.

Sorry if this was a little depressing, but I needed an outlet. And who better than fellow parents. Thanks for reading and being patient.

GET DRESSED TO LACE UP SHOES

Hi everyone! This may not be very long, but I didn't want to stay away, and wanted to share some of my progress. Yesterday was day #2 of my journey with FlyLady.net. You know, shining my sink and that goes along with it. This was my job for yesterday...

'Today I want you get up and get dressed to lace up shoes when you first get up in the morning. This means fix your hair and face too.'

My thoughts were...Are you serious?? There is no way I can do that. That means I have to get up before the kids (they wake up at 6 AM)! And do you know how hard it is with 4 kids, three of which are 4 and under??? Plus I am 36 weeks prego?!? A shower is one thing, but doing my hair, make-up, and put decent clothes on other than shorts and t-shirt?!? GREAT...UGH!

Although I did not make it into the shower by 5:30 AM, I did make it by 6:15!!!!! YES! Done getting ready by probably around 8, but I had to feed the kiddos and get them dressed. Wait...did I say get them dressed before 8?? I usually let them lounge in pj's until lunch or even later. We're not going anywhere right? Then, did the dishes, kept my sink shiny, folded laundry, rested for about 30-45 mins, started lunch, cleaned the kitchen again, listened to training calls for a couple of hours, folded more laundry and picked up the living room before 3:30 PM!

Did I really just do all of that??? YES I DID!!! I actually felt I accomplished not just one thing, but a few things. By bed time, the sink stayed shiny and NO DIRTY DISHES ANYWHERE, including the dishwasher! Sorry for all of the exclamation points, but I am totally psyched!

Today, however is a different story. I was up all night with 'fake' contractions that hurt and I thought I mind in end up in the hospital, but they dissipated around 5 AM. So, I am exhausted. Hubby was up with nausea and vomiting. When we thought he was in the clear, our 4 year old, vomited in her bed. This was followed by a bath and another vomit session. I think Hubby went to rest on the sofa, while I crashed for a few hours. This put me way behind. BUT....I managed to get dressed to lace up my shoes, went to the bank, took the kids to the indoor play area at the mall, bought lunch and made some prospect calls.

Not too shabby. The kitchen has a few dirty dishes in it, but it is not overflowing as it may have been considering the circumstances. I guarantee my sink will be shiny tonight!

That's all for now. And I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has commented. I wish I could send an email to you or thank you on your blog...something, but I am still new to this. Hubby is an excellent teacher, and I will be looking to him for proper techniques in blog etiquette and how to accomplish them. Thank you so much!